caylieallice

Answered Prayers

I haven’t been up to writing anything for the last week or so.

This is heavy, the weight of one’s own sin.

Husband and I have texted off and on for the last 2 weeks. And he has shown a lot of anger and hostility, and rightfully so.

However, it has caused conflict in my spirit.

Don’t get me wrong, I am thankful for the revelations of truth about who I have been, because awareness brings change. But, in my residual hurt and bitterness, part of me is wondering, “Okay, Lord. You showed me who I am. How come you haven’t showed him who he is?”

And during one of our conversations/arguments, Husband feels the need to shift all the blame onto me, even for his own actions, which I refused to accept.

The internal dialogue with Holy Spirit insued:

“Can you believe this guy?!? HOW on earth am I responsible for everything HE chose to do?? It isn’t love to take full responsibility for someone else’s sin!!”

(Holy Spirit) “Then what was it when Christ did it for you?”

OUCH!

Abba showed me that I had been “preachy” rather than the gentle and quiet spirit that He commanded wives to be. God had never “preached” at me. He simply opened His arms; He welcomed me. I began to understand what this question meant as I mulled it over in my head.

I started to literally feel my husband’s hurt and loneliness.

::Love…not guilt…took full blame for my filth. And THAT is what fostered healing, growth, and the beginning of true sanctification::

I texted Husband after a while of fighting with myself. “I’d be willing to accept responsibility for your own personal choices in this.”

The entire mood of the responses changed immediately.

He apologized for his angry replies and asked me to send him some pictures of our girls, whom he hasn’t seen in almost 10 months. He had never asked before.

After a little back and forth in this tone, I asked him if he would tell me what his feelings on divorce were. I told him if he wanted it, I would respect it and move forward with plans to get ahead here and try and find a better place to live. And if divorce is not what he truly wanted, I wanted him to ask me to come home and I’d begin preparing to do so asap.

At 11:05pm on February 27th, he sent the text pictured above. Just 2 words.

“Come home”

When the response is no response.

I want him to see that my heart isn’t the same cold, monument to SELF that it once was.

I want him to feel the pain and tenderness that resides there now, instead of the bitterness and resentment caused by the abuse. The Lord, my gracious Lord, has peeled, and scraped, and sanded away literally years worth of calloused layers my heart has built…I forgave…why can’t he?

Words can only penetrate a brick wall so deeply and cries of sorrow can only do so much when the eyes are cast elsewhere and the ears have fallen deaf.

So, I’ll cry. And I’ll pray. And I’ll wait.

Thank you, Father for the pain. It feels as though it may kill me, but it means you’ve changed something in me. For that I’m grateful. You have taken a heart of stone and replaced it with a heart of flesh. For that I’m grateful. I know that even if he chooses to sever the bond permanently, it means You are still moving and have not left either of us stagnant. For that I’m grateful. Though You slay me, yet will I praise You! Do what You will. Have YOUR way. In Jesus’s name. AMEN.

Too little. Too late.

I haven’t blogged in years and I’m not sure how to begin again.

I guess stating my purpose for the renewed “hobby” is as good a place as any..

I have been bound in my spirit, for as long as I can remember, by this addiction to love. Not sex…love. But with the addiction to the one thing comes the companion of the other in order to obtain it.

Like a junkie, in search of the next fix, trading money, I sought love and paid self-respect, my integrity, my covenant vows, and the welfare of the hearts of those I love most to get what I thought I needed; what I thought I deserved.

A few days ago, God in His mercy, showed me the reality and depth of my issue and it has completely crushed me to the point of renewed depression and the return of suicidal thoughts.

As a Believer in Christ (yes, we still struggle with sin too. Shocking, I know.) I felt convicted to confess. I told my husband and my kids the truth I had been living for the last decade. My girls are angry, my son is proud of my honesty and confession and he’s praying that his dad will come to the same point of brokenness with his own sins, and my husband has decided to pursue divorce…and who can blame him, honestly?

The Lord has impressed upon me to pray and remain unavailable to anyone but my husband, even after divorce, until the time that he might remarry, no matter how long that takes. This blog…I suppose…is my way to process the process.

There is a ton more to our story than just this facet.. I’ll share thoughts and struggles. I’ll share victories and some of the poems I’ll write along the way to help facilitate healing.

So, while I have learned the value of faithfulness the hard way..it’s, unfortunately, too little, too late. My heart in documenting all of this is that someone (myself included) finds hope and the richness of God’s goodness, even through the life of a wretched sinner, within the entries of this simple blog.

Blessings.