Too little. Too late.

I haven’t blogged in years and I’m not sure how to begin again.

I guess stating my purpose for the renewed “hobby” is as good a place as any..

I have been bound in my spirit, for as long as I can remember, by this addiction to love. Not sex…love. But with the addiction to the one thing comes the companion of the other in order to obtain it.

Like a junkie, in search of the next fix, trading money, I sought love and paid self-respect, my integrity, my covenant vows, and the welfare of the hearts of those I love most to get what I thought I needed; what I thought I deserved.

A few days ago, God in His mercy, showed me the reality and depth of my issue and it has completely crushed me to the point of renewed depression and the return of suicidal thoughts.

As a Believer in Christ (yes, we still struggle with sin too. Shocking, I know.) I felt convicted to confess. I told my husband and my kids the truth I had been living for the last decade. My girls are angry, my son is proud of my honesty and confession and he’s praying that his dad will come to the same point of brokenness with his own sins, and my husband has decided to pursue divorce…and who can blame him, honestly?

The Lord has impressed upon me to pray and remain unavailable to anyone but my husband, even after divorce, until the time that he might remarry, no matter how long that takes. This blog…I suppose…is my way to process the process.

There is a ton more to our story than just this facet.. I’ll share thoughts and struggles. I’ll share victories and some of the poems I’ll write along the way to help facilitate healing.

So, while I have learned the value of faithfulness the hard way..it’s, unfortunately, too little, too late. My heart in documenting all of this is that someone (myself included) finds hope and the richness of God’s goodness, even through the life of a wretched sinner, within the entries of this simple blog.

Blessings.